The Numbers
My Numbers
The Numbers
242
44
24
2
0
242 blinks in green lights as I step on the scale and scroll across the screen
44 reveals my breadth and girth as my top & my middle catches up with my size 24 jeans
I pull on my 2XL tee
So the curves and rolls nobody can see
I’ve hidden from the camera so there are 0 pictures to reveal
The way these numbers have made me feel
I was the heaviest I had ever been, even than when I had a child in my womb
The numbers haunted me and cast a shadow, a gloom
Those are my numbers, ones I never wished to utter aloud
I’ve simply tried to hide away and fade in the crowd
Afraid of all of what it would mean and what people would say
When I walked in and they looked at me in a funny kinda way
Saying with their eyes what they would not utter with their lips
But offering advice and other annoying little tips
Unhealthy comments as if to say
Tracey dear, it doesn’t have to be this way
Have you tried this or that and everything in between
I nod pretending I care, knowing I haven’t fully been seen
On the inside, it was tearing me apart
And I didn’t know where to even start
Was it food, drink, movement, or all of the above
It was none of them because it honestly began with Radical Self-love
Learning to love her and accept her regardless of how she came
Once I did the numbers didn’t bother me the same
When I learned to dance naked and simply not care
When I put on anything I wanted regardless of who would stare
When I started to consider her before I thought now what would they say
I realized I was beginning to love her in a different kinda way
When I learned to embrace her curves and perfect imperfections as well
I began to take her with me and no longer linger and dwell
Over the numbers that had stalked me for decades on end
Because my heart, mind, body, and soul was actually on the mend
It’s an ongoing journey and I’m learning to love her more and more each day
Regardless of what the numbers reveal I’m grateful for her this way
Loving her here helps me love her come what may
Regardless of what my future numbers may or may not say
At this point, I can love her with an awe and glorious sense of pride
When I take her to the beach I no longer feel compelled to cover and hide
When I pose for the camera–something I haven’t done in years
My spirit cries out and it begins to release all kinds of tears
I love her with a sense of wonder as I did way back when I was a little bitty kid
Things were uncomplicated and I rarely hid
Who I was with my chubby cheeks and sun-kissed skin
My curly hair or the dimples hidden within
When I loved all of her and I was the one who would stare
In awe of her and I wouldn’t even dare
To cut her down, to criticize or critique
But simply enjoyed each part that was amazing and unique
Yes I was young but at that age we have permission to be free
We were not held down by ideologies and rules; we got to simply just be
Footloose and fancy-free encouraged to love every part of me
Dancing in the sunlight and under the moonlight for all the world to see
Loving her has released me from a cloud of depression and shame
It’s helped me embrace myself and not seek to hide or be so tame
Loving her has given me a power I didn’t know was real
It’s unlocked things I didn’t know I could feel
It’s took some time to get back to loving her as deeply as she deserves
And folks may wanna watch out cause my confidence may get on some people’s nerves
But I won't apologize cause the confidence is here to stay
Cause I love her deeply in an unapologetic kinda way
It’s been a journey one I’ve been through over time
As I keep moving I’m sure I will continue to find
New treasures and ways to love her more and more each day
So I’m buckled in ready for what comes what may
Glad I made it back, and I’m becoming so free
After all, this is what it means to live unapologetically me