Sadness In My Eyes

Reflections for today

Yesterday was a harder day for me. 

I knew that sadness would creep in at some point, I just didn't know when. It was at the grocery store while picking up food to prepare. Going to the grocery store that closes to the holiday is uncharacteristic of me, I hate crowds and I am typically in and out of the store by 7 am.

I suppose in some ways I had been avoiding the shopping trip altogether. But my kids would be home and the fridge was bare. So even though I only need a handful of things for the side I agreed to make, I needed to do a legit grocery store trip. I grabbed my headphones so I would be able to dance my way through the store. 

While I was there a friend video called. We chatted a bit and at some point, they commented: “Hey Tracey are you ok, you look sad.” To which I replied, “No I think I'm just tired.” My friend chuckled a bit and then said, “I've seen you tired, this is different. What's going on?” They went on to say, “I see the sadness in your eyes.”

It was then that it hit me. I thought Thanksgiving would be fine since it wasn’t a holiday I really celebrated anymore because of the historical underpinnings. At my kid’s request, I agreed to create space for family on the day so long as we acknowledged the revisionist history we had been given and what that meant for indigenous folks, we could gather and enjoy each other’s company. 

But there in the dairy aisle, while staring at the empty shelf where the cheese was supposed to be, I allowed the reality to sink in. My friend was right sadness was written in my eyes because it was etched in my heart. It would be my kid’s first holiday without their father. And for me this would be the first time that we didn't occupy the same space on a holiday in nearly 20 years. And even though I have made peace with where I am and have allowed myself to experience joy and happiness, it doesn’t mean that sadness won’t also show up and co-exist with all the other feels. After all, wasn’t that the lesson we learned from the Disney movie Inside Out. 

So I spent the day feeling all the feels, checked in with a good friend who's walked with me closely over the last 2 years to let her know it was one of those days, wrote a poem, and slept. I took a slow walk with each of my little ones, to just be with them and check in with how they were doing and feeling about not spending the day with their father. One was avoiding thinking about it the other hadn’t fully realized their father wouldn’t be joining us today. I reminded them each it was ok to not be okay. I finished the night cuddling my kiddos watching Hunter Hunter with my anime lover and Hawkeye with my Avenger fan.

As I went to sleep exhausted by the weight of emotions I told myself that today I’d create space to feel how I feel. But also that I wouldn’t put any pressure on myself or anyone else to make it into something it wasn’t. I’m sure sadness will continue to co-exist at different moments throughout the day. Feeling like baking a cake after all so that may happen, once I fully wake up. I’ll stay in the moment and embrace the waves however they may come. 

Here is an excerpt of the poem I wrote, the original is still too raw but maybe someday I’ll share the full version.

Abridged Version of The Sadness in My Eye…

Grief is a complicated mistress that comes calling at the most inopportune time

She pulls me close revealing truths I had not set out to find

Even when I have accepted that this is how it must be

She pops up just so she can see 

The anguish the pain that comes to my mind 

As she slowly rewinds and then fast forwards time

And I wonder how it was that I had the strength to fight her off in the past

But I knew that fight could not forever last

I use to be able to compartmentalize 

But the truth was always written underneath and revealed in my eyes

No matter how much the words I uttered came forward to say 

As I pretended as though I was really okay

So here I am looking my mistress straight in the eye

As she taunts me and beckons me to cry 

So I give in and let the tears flow 

Slowly washing away joy that I did know

But I know that my soul needs this vulnerability as well 

So I breathe in and simply begin to tell 

Myself to let the rivers flow if that’s what I need today 

Reminding myself Beloved you don’t have to be okay.