Embracing the Ebbs & Flows
Encountering Grief this Holiday Season
It was after Halloween, that much I recall.
We had all dressed up, put a bowl of candy on the porch, and went out excited to see what Halloween would be like in this new neighborhood. We had moved in earlier that month and I had been determined to unpack quickly and get photos on the wall. I had felt this increasing need and longing to be rooted, to feel settled, to have some type of groundedness.Â
A few months earlier I wasn’t sure if the marriage was going to make it. The marriage had been on somewhat shifting sands that felt solid in some moments and sinking at other times. So it made sense that I was wanting to control and feel settled. I wanted so much for this new home, the new season would mark a new phase for us and our family.While that certainly turned out to be true, it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped for or wanted.
Nearly a month after we took this picture in October 2019 we were sitting the kids down to tell them we were separating. The Christmas tree we had been planning on putting up stayed in the corner, no one really wanting to be festive. A few weeks before the holiday approached I made myself put up the tree but didn’t bake a single cookie.
My heart was too heavy, too broken. I made it through a few holiday parties and just ignored other invitations. I don’t recall what that day was like because the month was mostly a blur. Between insomnia and loss of appetite and a whole list of other symptoms my doctor and counselor listed on my leave of absence letter, I don’t recall much about those early days.
Last Christmas since we hadn’t decided if we would reconcile or divorce we agreed to share holidays together. We managed through it, but it was awkward and weird.
I made my cookies and delivered them all over LA County with two somewhat thrilled then quickly over it kids. And I realized that because of the isolation of the pandemic only a small circle of folks knew we had separated. I had been going through so much pain alone. It was awkward answering the question of oh where is...I wasn’t fully prepared for it, and at some points during the drop-off, I found myself crying.
This past August we told the kids we were moving forward with the divorce. There was something about saying it to them that solidified it and made it real. I wasn’t ready for the waves of grief that came. Saying those words to my kids meant that I was laying to rest the us that had been created in my marriage and what had been our norm as a family unit.Â
So a few weeks ago when I had a dream about putting up a Christmas tree, baking Christmas cookies, and celebrating the holidays, I knew my spirit was telling me to prepare my heart for what was about to come. The onslaught of reels as sight, sounds, and smells begin to invade my senses and take me back down memory lane. And the thing about grief is you don’t know when or how it’ll hit. When the waves of grief wash over me, I have no idea where they will take me.
When I woke from that dream I found myself bracing. My entire body was stiff and rigid as though I was preparing for the worst, and my body began to react. Since I’ve been trying to listen to what my body is telling me, I realize that she was feeling in danger and preparing to either fight, flee, or freeze. And as I sat with what was happening in my mind, body, and soul I had to tell myself I wasn’t in danger--I was grieving and I didn’t need to brace for it, but instead, I needed to take a deep soul-cleansing breath and embrace the ebbs and flows however painful and difficult they may be.Â
I’ve noticed I’m not alone in encountering the waves of grief that tend to peak around this time of year. So I’ve decided to create space to co-journey in a 7-week support group so together we can lean into Embracing the Ebbs and Flows during this holiday season.Â
During this time we’ll meet weekly via zoom where I’ll share more of my journey, the ups and downs, and how I’m creating space to mourn, laugh, and reimagine this holiday season. There will be space for you to share as you feel comfortable and hear from some dear friends who are navigating different types of grief this season. Additionally, I’ll share a few spoken word pieces from those early days because while I don’t remember them, writing about the pain was all I could do. There will also be a Slack group where we can share and connect in between group sessions.
To join Check out the details below.
Who Should Join: Those navigating the loss of marriage, relationship, friendship, or loved ones, community.Â
Why Should You Join: You don’t want to journey alone, you want space for reimagining what could be and acquiring some tools to be able to embrace the ebbs and flows of grief.Â
When Is It: Sundays 4:00-5:00 pm PT (we’ll linger to 5:30 pm at the latest as needed)
Dates: November 14, 21, 28, December 5, 12, 19, 26Â
Cost: Sliding Scale see sign-up for more information
How do I Join: Sign up Here
Maybe you know someone who should join us if so Share so they can be a part.